I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
