I wish my penis had an off switch
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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