he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My penis needs a shock collar
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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