sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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