im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
