Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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