When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
As shirtless as possible
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
