WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
we made out on top of his cat.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
