I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
