So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
sex in a hospital.. check
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
