Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
