Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
