just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
