can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
