I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
