I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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