he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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