I puked a lego.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
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