He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
