You're my little dorito
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize