My liver just broke up with me...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
