Your face is a jimmy john
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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