my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
