and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
