Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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