umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So much rum. So many feels.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
is it fun? or sober?
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