the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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