My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
