i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
is wine microwaveable?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
