Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Less talking, more tequila
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
