I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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