I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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