What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize