he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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