and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
