We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
