my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
