I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
