Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
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