All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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