Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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