I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
