At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize