The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
