Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
