Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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