At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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