I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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