Only a mothe r could love this liver
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize