Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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