Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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