Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
