walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize