Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
