i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
